"He never hit me." Why coercive control is so hard to name — and so important to understand.
By Isabella Cecil | Divorce & Relationship Coach
One of the first things women say to me is some version of this:
"He never hit me. So I kept telling myself it wasn't abuse."
I understand why. We've been taught — by films, by news stories, by the way domestic abuse is discussed — that abuse looks a certain way. Visible. Physical. Undeniable.
But coercive control is none of those things. It's quieter, slower, and in many ways far more damaging — precisely because it's so hard to see while you're living inside it.
So what is coercive control?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour designed to take away your freedom, your confidence and your sense of self. It doesn't happen all at once. It happens gradually — so gradually that by the time you notice, it already feels normal.
It might look like:
Monitoring where you go, who you see, what you spend
Making you feel stupid, oversensitive or "crazy" when you raise concerns
Isolating you from friends and family — sometimes so subtly you don't realise it's happening
Taking control of finances, leaving you dependent
Dismissing your opinions, belittling your achievements, undermining your confidence
Creating an atmosphere where you feel you're always one wrong move away from his displeasure
None of these things leave a mark you can photograph. But all of them leave a mark.
Why it's so hard to name
Coercive control works partly because it makes you doubt yourself. That's the point of it. By the time you're questioning whether your experience is "bad enough", the control is already deeply embedded.
You may find yourself thinking:
He's not always like this
It's my fault when things go wrong
Nobody would believe me anyway
I'm probably exaggerating
These thoughts are not signs that you're wrong. They're signs that the control is working.
It is recognised by law.
In the UK, coercive control has been a criminal offence since 2015. It is taken seriously by courts, by police, and by support services. You do not need to have been physically harmed to have been abused.
If you recognise yourself in any of this — even partially, even uncertainly — please know that what you've experienced has a name. And that naming it is often the first step towards something better.
I'm here if you'd like to talk.
Be kind to yourself. x
Isabella Cecil is a certified Divorce and Breakup Coach based in Northern Ireland, specialising in coercive, controlling and abusive relationships.📧 hello@isabellacecil.com | isabellacecil.com
